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Last post for our Self-Care Libratum Series!

A final key message is to check what is driving our action to take care of ourselves.

Is it something that feels like chore or another item on our to-do list? Are we doing it because we are comparing ourselves to others who seem much happier? Are we doing it as a form of punishment or because we feel ashamed about who we are deep down?

If this is the case, then self-care may be turning into a rigid and restrictive rule associated with what we ‘should’ do and who we ‘should’ be. This can trigger negative feelings and beliefs about ourselves that drives us to engage in acts of self-care because there is something flawed and broken with us, that needs to be fixed. For example: ‘I must go to my exercise because I need to pay for pigging out on the weekend’, or ‘I have to socialise because people have to like me’.

If we feel obliged to follow the rule, this increases the risk that we do not remain attuned to what we need and what would be most helpful to us in the moment.

Furthermore, if we do not manage to engage in our self-care activities, there is a risk that it reinforces self-critical and punishing narratives that we are bad, shameful, undeserving, and failing.

It can help to shift from investing in self-care because there is ‘something fundamentally damaged or broken with me that needs to be fixed’, to investing in self-care because ‘even with all my strengths and limitations, I matter, and investing in my mind and body matters’.

Self-care is a commitment and way of being that it is not always meant to feel good or easy in the moment (e.g. when we resist that 4th drink, say no to more work, manage our spending, or ask for help). However, if we commit to self-care it can contribute towards our quality of life and well-being in the long term. If we stop committing to self-care, we may feel OK for a while especially if we have energy reserves that can keep us going for longer. However, what happens if we keep driving a car and we never stop to refuel? It will run out of gas and it will stop no matter how much we press the gas. If we stop caring for ourselves we will eventually run out of gas too. We are depleted and need attending to. There may be different signs that indicate that we have run out of gas. We may: - shut down and enter a depressive state - lose motivation and satisfaction in life - withdraw from others - feel more anxious and on edge - push ourselves to work harder and not be able to stop or slow down - lose empathy - be more critical of others and ourselves - be more self-focused to the detriment of others - feel more irritated with small things - have disrupted sleep patterns - not eat or turn to food and substances (alcohol/drugs) to cope or escape If you notice these signs, then you can use them as an indicator that it is time to refuel. By intervening sooner, we can prevent things from getting worse for ourselves and those around us, which may render our usual self-care strategies not be enough on their own.

Self-care is about taking a deliberate decision to take care of ourselves. It is a choice and not just a feeling that will come to us over time or something that shows up out of the blue. It is our responsibility to decide to take care of ourselves, just like we decide to show care, kindness, and support to others. Deciding to take care of ourselves can then enable us to take action. From an idea we move towards actually doing it, and living it. It can feel empowering to know that we can shape our present moment based on the decisions that we take. This is within our control. Remember that not doing anything about our self-care is a decision in itself- we are deciding to not take care of ourselves right now. Even though this may not be the most helpful for us, we can choose to take unwise decisions. We then have to accept and deal with the consequences. Once you decide to prioritise your self-care, you can start with an act of self-care that is simple, realistic, and achievable for you. If it feels too hard, just break it down. Start with a 1 minute act of self-care. Once you achieve it, do it again and go to 2 minutes etc. Even the smallest act counts.

I have always been struck by the safety announcement on the airplane where they advise you to put your oxygen mask on first before putting a mask on other people. If we cannot breathe, we die. And of course, if we die there is no way we can help others. This is a great metaphor for our mental health too. Many of us have some kind of role where we serve and offer something to another being. Psychologists, teachers, parents, cleaners, shop keepers, leaders, carers, hairdressers, builders, accountants, doctors, pet owners. Serving others can give us a sense of purpose and fulfillment in our life. At the same time, we can unintentionally find ourselves giving too much of ourselves to our work and families to the point that we have too little left for ourselves. To effectively serve others, we have to serve ourselves first otherwise we will eventually run out of fuel, energy, capacity, and oxygen. Self-care can enable us to be our best self for ourselves, and for others. Furthermore, modelling self-care to adults, teens, and children in our life, can be invaluable in encouraging them to engage in self-care too.

Clarifying what self-care is NOT can help us focus our attention and actions on doing things that are going to help us rather than make me feel worse. Noticing whether you have internalised any myths around self-care is important as these may hinder your attempts to put self-care into practice. There can be many myths about self-care that are influenced by cultural, societal and family narratives such as: self-care is selfish, self-indulgence, egoistic, boasting, a sign of weakness. It is also helpful to think about what self-care is not in practice.

Here are some examples of what self-care is not for me:

- Spending too much time in front of Netflix

- Overindulging in chocolate

- Not dedicating enough time to myself

- Spending too much time indoors

- Isolating myself from friends

- Pushing myself to keep working even when I am overworked

- Self-criticism and self-judgement

- Comparing myself to others

- Scrolling mindlessly on social media

- Expecting myself to never make mistakes

- Forcing myself to exercise when I am feeling unwell What is your list of what self-care is NOT?

I suggest that you write this down on your phone, laptop, or on a paper; seeing it in black and white, rather than just thinking about it, can help to clarify your thoughts more effectively.

There is so much going on in the world right now with 2nd lockdowns around the world, Covid-19 uncertainty, the US election, etc, that self-care is more important than ever! Let’s think about what self-care is in practice. It is:

- different things for different people

- different things during different phases of our life

- something big and it can be something small

- even just a moment.

- related to different areas: physical, social, emotional, mental (psychological), financial, spiritual

Here is what my self-care map looks like:

- checking in with how I am feeling every day

- noticing self-criticism and talking to myself self-compassion instead

- being in nature and connecting with the sights, sounds, smells, textures

- talking with and spending time with family and friends

- exercising my body a few times a week - treating myself to yummy food

- allowing myself to rest and ‘be’ and not ‘do’

- remembering to play and have fun

- limiting my time on social media

- having a mix of activities that are relaxing: going to a coffee shop, listening to music Your turn now.

What does self-care look like for you? To figure this out take a moment to try these 4 steps:

1. Check in with how you are feeling today

2. Pay attention to what your mind and body are telling you that you need

3. Use this information to map out what self-care can like for you

4. Choose the smallest, most achievable self-care act on your list and do it

We are not our emotions. Just because we feel sad doesn’t mean that we ARE sadness. Just because we feel anxious, doesn’t mean we ARE anxiety. We are not our anger. Anger is anger. We often get this confused. Without realising we can become entangled with our emotions and thoughts to the point that they define our identity and we start to live our life through them. Ever heard these kind of phrases: ‘you’re such a worrier’, ‘I’m an embarrassment’? Non-identification with our emotions means that our identity is not attached to or defined by our emotions. Emotions are part of us and we are the greater awareness or space that holds them. Emotions are transient internal experiences that are not permanent- they come and go. Through mindfulness and compassionate practice we can learn to notice and name our emotions (I notice that my anger is back), accept them, give them space, breathe through them, not judge them as good or bad, whilst simultaneously not identifying with them or getting entangled with them.

This can be truly freeing.

I often remind my clients (and myself) that just like we need to learn the ABCs to learn how to speak and write, we need to learn the ABCs of our emotions to develop our emotional literacy. And just like we need to practice reading and talking to become fluent in a language, it takes practice to become well-versed in understanding and managing our emotions. We need to muster the courage to repeatedly remain open to and curious about our emotions so that every time they show up, we work through the ABCs of:

• pausing

• recognising and naming them rather than avoiding them

• acknowledging that they are here and allowing them to be there, even if we don’t like them

• connecting with how they manifest in our body and breathing

• understanding what triggered them

• listening to what message they are communicating to us

• asking what we need in that moment

• choosing an action to take that is going to be helpful to ourselves and others

What action we take will vary based on the circumstances and may include:

• Finding a solution to the problem and acting on it

• Expressing our emotions

• Tolerating the emotion until is passes if there is nothing we can do about the situation

• Being kind to ourselves

• Reaching out to others so that we feel connected

• Soothing our body through breathing

• Focusing on what we have in the present moment

• Participating fully in what we are doing- cooking, playing with your child, exercising

• Focusing on our values- the person we want to be in that moment Both our successes and failures in managing our emotions can be valuable lessons that can further develop our emotional literacy, sensitivity to our own and others’ emotions, and our sense of empowerment in coping with them.

Although we have no choice or control over what emotions we experience, it is in our control and within the remit of our responsibility to invest in learning how we live with them.

Our next Libratum series is dedicated to ‘Self-care’. - If you are feeling depleted, burnt out, irritable, lost in your life, then this is for you. - If you are feeling well-balanced and good in your life and relationships, then this is for you. What is self-care again? Sometimes I wonder whether we have forgotten what self-care really means, even though nowadays we hear it used frequently by organisations, influencers, and in news reports and self-help books. #selfcare

The metaphor that I created and drew to capture the meaning of self-care is a home. For me, self-care is about coming back home to ourselves. It is easy to forget our needs when we are caught up meeting other life demands that compete for our attention. Self-care is about remembering to find the road back to ourselves whereby we take care of our physical and psychological well-being. This can have long-term significant benefits to our physical and mental health, relationships, and quality of life. I associate self-care with: Nourishment Restoration Nurturing Refuelling Recharging. This paints a picture of self-care as something fundamental for our well-being, just like oxygen and water are fundamental for our body to remain alive and function effectively. Have you come home to yourself lately? Or have you forgotten and lost your way? If your answer is yes, then congratulations. Self-awareness is the first step on the path back home to yourself and to figuring out what you need to do to start to take care of yourself again. It is never too late.

What is the smallest thing you can do for yourself today that will nurture, nourish and refuel you?

Experiencing difficult emotions like anger, sadness, anxiety, embarrassment, and shame, are part of being human. Emotions are part of us just like blood is part of our body. We may not like experiencing difficult emotions because they can be unpleasant and overwhelming. However, it can be helpful to learn how to acknowledge and validate them when they show up, without judging ourselves or giving ourselves a hard time for having them. We can do this by ‘Saying Yes’ to our emotions. When an emotion next shows up, acknowledge it by saying: “yes my anxiety is back again”, “yes I notice my anger is here”, ‘I know I don’t like this, and it is here now’. This can bring a sense of relief compared to ‘saying no’ and pushing, denying, avoiding and distracting ourselves from them. Saying ‘yes’ to our emotions does not mean that we will make our emotions worse or intensify or that they will never go away. Just like clouds in the sky and waves in the ocean, emotions are not permanent. They come and go. Saying ‘yes’ just means that we are accepting ourselves more fully, with all our emotional peaks and troughs.

When it comes to dealing with emotions, it can help to understand how they manifest in our body. Yes, emotions manifest physiologically (or physically)- you may already have noticed this during difficult moments when you are experiencing strong and intense emotions. Different emotions show up differently in our body.

Here are some examples of my (Angelica’s) experiences: I feel anxiety as a tight sensation in my chest and as heart palpitations, I feel sadness as a heavy weight in the pit of my stomach, I feel anger as a blinding and hot sensation in my head. How emotions manifest in my body, may be very different to how they manifest in your body. We can get to know the relationship between our emotions and body better by paying attention to how our body changes when we feel a particular emotion. These changes can occur within seconds (and split seconds) so it can help to pause and slow down during these moments. Being in touch with our body can help us to: 1) detect our emotions sooner when they show, 2) identify what may have triggered our emotions, and 3) manage our emotions and cope with the situation.

How do emotions show up in your body?

Once we notice that we are experiencing an emotion and acknowledge that it is here, we can then practice sitting with it. ‘Sitting with’ negative and positive emotions does not mean that we try to get rid of them, change them or fix them. Just like trying a difficult yoga pose, it does not mean that we are going to run out of the class to avoid it, nor are we going to stay in the pose till it’s too painful and overwhelming. Rather, ‘sitting with’ emotions means ‘being’ with them by observing them without judging ourselves or giving ourselves a hard time for feeling what we feel. We focus our attention inwards on the body sensations that come with the emotion. For example, we may focus on the ‘butterflies’ in our stomach when we start to feel anxious. As we notice the butterflies, we can imagine expanding our body to make room for them (the butterflies/anxiety) to be around, and we can do this by taking a number of slow and regular deep breathes in and out.

This can feel uncomfortable at first though with practice it can be an invaluable lifelong skill that we can use to healthily manage our emotions.

How do you feel when you receive an unexpected, personalised letter in the post? Curious, Excited, Cautious, Intrigued? Every time our emotions show up, it is like we are receiving mail. Our emotions have come with a message and are trying to communicate a need we have. To read the messages, we can ask ourselves these questions with gentleness and curiosity: - What triggered my emotions? - What is this emotion trying to communicate to me? - What function is this emotion serving? - What needs attention right now? - What does this emotion suggest I really need right now? Asking these questions can help us to pause, think, and understand ourselves better, rather than impulsively react to our emotions. For example if sadness has shown up, and we figure out that it was triggered because a friend did not contact us, this may indicate that we are feeling lonely and we need to be feel connected with others. Once we understand the message, we then have a choice in how we respond to it, to meet our needs. For example, we may choose to contact a friend or family member to talk. Spam Alert! The messages our emotions give us can come with spam mail that fills our inbox or letter box with unnecessary or fake news. For example, sadness may trigger negatively biased thought patterns that assume that our friend does not care about us any more, when in reality they are just busy and caught up with work and family life. Therefore, open your emotional mail with curiosity and interpret and respond to the messages with wisdom.

When we experience negative emotions such as anxiety, anger, sadness, disgust, and shame, we may automatically find ourselves trying to get rid of them by distracting, avoiding, ignoring, or suppressing them. Have you ever noticed whether this works? When we try to push away our negative emotions, it is like pushing a ball under water. What happens when you let go of the ball? The ball pops back up! If we keep trying to push away our emotions, they will pop back up stronger and faster no matter how hard we try to keep them under water.

Instead of fighting to make the ball go away, we can let the ball float on the water around us. It won’t disappear though it will free up our hands to focus instead on swimming and on enjoying our swim. Similarly, instead of using up our energy to make our emotions and thoughts go away we can learn how to let them be in our lives. If we don’t push our tricky thoughts and emotions away, they won’t push back and we can live with them more easily.

Join us at Libratum as we start a new weekly series on: Living with Emotions.